(Coney Island photo: Brian Hedden. New Moon publicity still: Summit Entertainment… probably)

Today is the final day that the City is accepting proposals for their newly-aquired Coney Island property. Expectations are high, and the roster of interested parties reads like an All-Star team for amusement parks. And I am one of them. I got my proposal in, just in the nick of time. See below for the highlights of the newest jewel-by-the-sea:

Brooklynland amusement park.

Best. Name. Ever.

And then I added “land” and “amusement park” to the end of it. I kinda ad-libbed that one.

Rides and Attractions

(Photo: rockband.com)

FutureArcade – No broke-ass Skee-Ball machines or table-top Ms. Pac-Man units here. This will be the showcase for bleeding-edge video game technology, including Rock Band: For Reals. This is no place for plastic PlayStation guitars. You’ll be playing with a real rock band. Who would you rather be, The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?

There are two immediate openings in The Beatles Rock Band.

(photo: Brian Hedden)

The Biggest, Baddest, Inflatable Rides You’ve Ever Seen – This is what Brooklyn Parks Commissioner Julius Spiegel promised to bring to Coney Island last summer. This giant waterslide (brought in by Joe Sitt in 2007) is certainly one of those three.

There will be many movie tie-ins as well:

Team Jacob: The Ride (pictured above) – The squeals coming from this ride won’t be from fright – they’ll be from animatronic Taylor Lautner ripping off his shirt. Again. And, again.

Trust me. This schtick won’t get tiresome as fast as you think.

Admit it – if you were your teenage daughter, you’d tap that. (So will your wife, once Lautner reaches the legal tapping age.)

Alien Funhouse – A twist on the maze with the funny-shaped mirrors, this funhouse will kill you if you don’t make it out in 10 minutes, that is assuming it doesn’t eat you first. But if that damn cat runs off, send someone else to go after it.

Remember that badass gyroscopic axis trainer in Spacecamp? Yeah – totally going to have one of those. Will definitely need to pay someone full time to stand by with a mop, though.

SportsLand – A participatory park embracing Coney Island’s prestigious sports heritage, as home to the professional trifecta of baseball, beach volleyball, and hot-dog eating, including:

• The Cyclones Experience – Live out your dreams of becoming a low-level minor league baseball player in the permanent shadow of Number 27. Take batting practice from an 18-year-old rocket launcher with control issues, go on a simulated bus ride to a road game in Jamestown, NY, and race down the baseline in a giant hot dog suit.
• Tiger Woods Mini Golf Country Club – Where the objective is to beat Tiger’s score on the back 9.
• Extreme Paintball: It’s like Shoot The Freak, but with new a twist. Insead of shooting paintballs AT the aforementoined freak, patrons will BE the freak – minus the protective gear. They must cross an obstacle course under withering vinyl-based fire from ex-military sharpshooters. Play until you win, or can’t take the pain anymore.

P.S. Just for the record, in real life, I love broke-ass Skee-Ball machines.