Ten reasons the first-place Cyclones are lagging at the turnstiles

I’m going to a Cyclones game this coming Saturday night! Weather permitting, of course. They’ll be playing against the Oneonta Tigers.

If you can tell the class where Oneonta is – WITHOUT GOOGLE MAPPING IT, YOUNG MAN – well, then, you know your New York-Penn League geography better than I.

Zeke Faux of the Brooklyn Paper writes that the Clones, despite their first-place record, “are drawing the smallest crowds in their nine-year history.” The initial theories broached by the article: the poor economy and the excessively rainy July. But those are quickly shot down:

But across the Verrazano, where the weather was similarly miserable and 15 dates were scheduled for July, the second-place Staten Island Yankees are on pace to shatter their all-time record, with average attendance up 20 percent from last season.

Why are Brooklynites getting shown up by the S’islanders? I have a few theories of my own.

1. A nine-year push by the Lions Eye Institute has given old-time Brooklynites the gift of sight… and they just figured out that these aren’t the Dodgers
2. Gamegoers sidetracked by Coffee Coolattas in the subway terminal’s new Dunkin Donuts
3. Fans were on their way to the game, but lost their tickets to a carny who offered to “run a tab” for them
4. After nine years, Brooklynites realized they’d rather be on that beach thing that’s just on the other side of the bleachers
5. Keyspan Park must be demolished to make room for National Grid Field
6. Cyclones unpopular decision to impose a Personal Seat License fee of two six-dollar hot dogs put games out of reach of the everyman
7. Fans want to see races between Guy In Mustard Suit versus Guy In Ketchup Suit replaced with cage deathmatch between Sandy The Seagull and Batavia Muckdogs mascot “Homer”
8. Promotional giveaway at Heroin Chic Hipster Night led to fatal overdose of 500 season ticket holders
9. After nine years, the novelty of living out Bull Durham with the Mets future scrubs has slowly given way the disco bowling scene at Melody Lanes
10. Brooklyn’s biggest sports celebrity eats hot dogs for a living

As Brooklyn’s biggest sports celebrity should.